What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
