the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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