i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
