Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
