I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
