so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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