I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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