You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
