you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
