I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
