life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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