I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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