went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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