he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
