Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
