Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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