are you so shy because you have an std?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
