You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
