I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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