I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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