Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
