This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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