yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
