dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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