another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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