it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
