Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
