Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
