Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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