well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
