Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
