Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
