I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
