Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
