he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
