I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
