My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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