No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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