At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She's the barista slut.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
