i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
