I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
