I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
