my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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