Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
