Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
