are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
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I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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