Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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