If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
