your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
