My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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