If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
be right there i have to get my cape
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
