I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
