Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
