ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
