Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
