I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
