Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
