How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
